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There is practically nothing in life that costs less and tastes better, or for that matter costs less and looks better, wears better, drives better, or floats better. Extra value – deeply discounted – means lower cost, not superior performance/satisfaction.
The only exception I have found in nearly six decades is Miracle Whip, the backbone of the Kraft Foods P&L - the King of Spreads – one of the few must-have products in the grocery category.
There are unlimited varieties of mayonnaise – all equally fatty, dull and tasteless – only one Miracle Whip – a dressing for the ages.
It took a long time to figure out why my mother’s deviled eggs, egg salad, tuna salad, potato salad, tartar sauce were so much better than most of my friends’. Miracle Whip, not mayonnaise.
Like Classic Coke, Miracle Whip’s formula creates a catalyst, which amplifies – accelerates – enhances – the taste of its host – be it a basic BLT or an exotic salmon puree.
As we have recently emerged as the world’s only superpower and as our technological might and extraordinary productivity have combined to create unequalled affluence and the highest standard of living in the modern world – Miracle Whip bashing has become nearly as fashionable as Clinton bashing among those for whom form takes precedence over substance.
Bottled water carriers – alfalfa sprout eaters – trophy home owners – Junior Leaguers – temperance unions – investment bankers – evangelicals – pseudo intellectuals – the very rich – the very righteous – the self-righteous – just don’t want to risk censure from their peers by admitting it just tastes better, is healthier, and inexplicably costs less.
Without exception, when I prepare a warm, superbly seasoned, Olympic quality egg salad for any of the above, they celebrate the superiority of this to any they have tried previously – commenting on the finely diced celery and onions – the slight touch of garlic – the fresh tomato garnish.
When I reveal the real reason – Miracle Whip, they blush, blanch, stammer, hrumph, and in the style of all revisionists begin to speculate that it might have even been better with mayonnaise.
It is just not any longer chic to admit to drinking real Coke, Budweiser, or gin – smoking cigars – enjoying X-rated videos – coveting your neighbor’s wife or preferring the King of Spreads to mayonnaise.
There remain, mostly in small towns, a few classic inns and eateries, which identify Miracle Whip as the defining difference between their BLT and others.
Asking for Miracle Whip on a pricey cheeseburger deluxe in your upscale urban – “I’m there to be seen” grill – guarantees the same derisive response that results from a stated preference for tap water over bottled.
If it cost less would we prefer chuck over rump, shoulder over loin, butt over strip, polyester over cotton, hearty burgundy over French burgundy? – not likely.
In my experience, the only people who reject Miracle Whip are those who have never tried it, or are too inhibited to admit to their friends that it really does taste better.
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